October 31, 2010
Hello there everyone. To "trick" or "treat" theese is the question...I knows it's a tough choice. Let's explore a bit of the pros and cons of each shall we? If you decide to "trick", you'z in for a day of entertainment and adventure. Playing "tricks" on Humans, Canines and other Felines can be a lot of fun. On the other hand, if you decide to "treat", there is a chance you will wind up with Num-Nums (see above photo). The funny hats and wigs or the annoying costumes may be worth it if you do end up with Num-Nums. Each Feline must make their own decision on theese one. You must decide if you would want fun or a full tummy...Tough call. At any rate, here are my tips for a Happy Halloween.
CLOON'S TOP TIPS FOR A PURR-FECT HALLOWEEN:
5) Bring a Vampire home to meet your family (it's a sure way to spice things up around the household).
4) Take a tour of a local haunted house.
3) Hide around the hallway corner and pounce on your unsuspecting Human.
2) DO NOT EAT CHOCOLATE!
and Cloon's #1 tip for a Purr-fect Halloween is:
1) When you find a house that is giving out Num-Nums, keep going back there until your "pillow case" is full.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN FELINES, HAS A GOOD ONE!!!
October 29, 2010
October 27, 2010
October 26, 2010
Hello there Audience. What follows is the telemarketing script I devised for my Employees involved in the "Fundraising & PR" aka "SALES" Bootcamp at Headquarters:
"DEOS TEH STCOK MRAEKT HVAE YUO MXEID UP?
Invest instead in the ... Clooneymobile!
In these uncertain economic times, Cloon, the CEO of Clooney Credit Canada offers you a wise investment alternative. As the purveyor of the World's First Clooneymobile, he has available for his public a ground floor investment opportunity. He is currently accepting a limited amount of investors for 10 year leases of the World's First Clooneymobiles, about to be hot off the press, or shall we say Assembly Line. The biggest question you have to ask yourself now is, do I want bird motif or squirrel motif for the interior design? Personally, we advise you to choose birds as they are more of a chick-magnet. However, if the canine rules in your household you may be coerced into the squirrels. The expected launch date is...soon. Act now rather than face disappointment. Support a Feline Entrepreneur and Small Businesscat. Invest now...
So, how many 10 year leases can we sign you up for?... With every 3 leases you get a free Limited Edition Print of CEO Cloon and the Assembly Line Elves (that have been personally involved on the "Lines" in the production of your custom Clooneymobile). Now, will that be VISA, MASTERCARD OR AMERICAN EXPRESS? We do also accept REAL CASH aka pesos, zloty, greenbacks, pounds, euros, and canuck bucks.
But wait there's more...Sign up right now and receive your choice of Num-Nums Tourtiere Pie or Catnip Cherry Pie, fresh out of the Easy Bake"...
Audience, I am pleased to report that my Secretary Princess Neytiri, "Ducky" and The Cockatoo from Australia all passed theese component of Bootcamp with flying colors. I monitored their calls and heard a 100% Success Rate. Of course, we also had subliminal messages like "Buy the Clooneymobile" playing in the background during theese calls. To celebrate their remarkable Telemarketing skills I'z currently throwing them a special party at Headquarters.
Audience, tune in tomorrow because I'z going to participate in my first "Wordless Wednesday". It's when Felines "zip-it", don't talk and just post pictures of themselves. I know theese is a challenge for me because I likes talking...
Oops gotta go, the party is heating up and they'z calling me for the Conga Line...
October 24, 2010
Cloon: Joining me is the Secretary of CCC with her update on the next component of her Bootcamp: Assembly Line Production. Hello Princess Neytiri.
Neytiri: Hello there Cloon.
Cloon: So tell me how this latest component of Bootcamp went with the Elves?
Neytiri: Those little buggers have some interesting personalities.
Cloon: I guess they take after me, huh? Did you end up increasing the efficiency of their production on the Assembly Line?
Neytiri: But of course. My Bootcamp worked like a charm!
Cloon: What did that all entail?
Neytiri: We started the day at 3:30AM with some Feline Zen meditation. Then we went outside into the crisp air for a jog, jumping-jacks and push-ups. "Give me 50 right now!"
Neytiri: Ok, I'm just pulling your paw, but it did work on the Assembly Line Elves. Then with a clear mind and a good appetite we had a Num-Nums break.
Cloon: That would be my favorite part.
Neytiri: Then we got serious. I set up the projector, showed some clips of inspiring felines around the world, we did some role-playing and had a miniature pep rally. Then when the Elves were all "pumped-up" I lectured about the importance of efficiency on the Assembly Line and how we need to increase our production of Clooneymobiles pronto! I showed charts and graphs for the expected efficiency for the upcoming quarters and we discussed the incentives for reaching the specified targets. If targets were reached according to plan each Elf would be given their own case of Num-Nums to eat at their leisure and I would also take them on a special field trip (the details of which are yet to be determined). After this discussion, I observed them at work on the Assembly Line and gave some constructive feedback. Then we had another Num-Nums break and a nap. After the nap we started the whole process over again right from the Feline Zen Meditation finally ending with Num-Nums at the evening meal and beddy-bye at 7:30PM. We did this for 19 days straight and had our graduation ceremony last night.
Cloon: How did they all do?
Neytiri: They passed with flying colors! Each one has been awarded their "Certificate of Achievement in Assembly Line Production". Also, they were each allowed one mini mug of ale to celebrate and all are in high spirits.
Cloon: Excellent, most excellent. Let the production begin...
October 21, 2010
Police Spokescat on the scene at a Starbucks Drive Thru in Winnipeg, Manitoba says that a Doy Toy bearing a striking resemblance to "The Baby" had gone thru the Drive Thru just a few hours earlier. Apparently this "customer" had placed an order for 50 "special" coffees, half this and half that, creating a huge backlog in the Drive Thru and a line-up of vehicles winding around the block. After receiving the beverages, the "customer" spun his tires and left the scene. "Feetprints" have been taken from the scene and Authorities are awaiting verification. In the meantime, the public is asked to report any sightings of orange Dog Toys with horns and big feet to 1-800-IAM-ARAT...Rewards of ham bones and catnip are being offered.
October 19, 2010
The National Feline Enquirer is on hand at the Headquarters of Clooney Credit Canada to interview Miss Trovsky, President of the Pink Nose Society, who has been "climbing the walls" in a 24 hour Climb-a-thon.
NFE: Good Day Miss Trovsky or should I say evening? We've been in the basement for 24 hours and have no idea what time of day it is.
Miss T: Exactamundo.
NFE: How are you holding out?
Miss T: I think my arms have fallen asleep holding this position.
NFE: What dedication you have! What prompted this climb in the first place?
Miss T: I saw a moth on the ceiling and "went for it".
NFE: And how did this turn into a Climb-a-thon and fundraiser for the Pink Nose Society?
Miss T: It was Cloon's idea. He saw me on the wall and said "hey, why don't you make some money off this".
NFE: Bless his little heart. So what's been happening?
Miss T: Well Cloon, "Ducky" and the Cockatoo from Australia have volunteered their own time on the phone lines for the public to call in, sponsor me and donate money to the Society.
NFE: How much money has been raised so far?
Miss T: Felines worldwide have gone to their piggy banks and donated a grand total of $1333.33!
NFE: How will you use the donated funds?
Miss T: Some of the money raised will be used to tour the "Insect Zoo" at the National Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C. As well, I am saving for my trip back to Russia to recruit Russian felines for the Pink Nose Society.
NFE: Best of luck with your future fundraising efforts! When are you coming down from the wall?
Miss T: Pronto. I have to use the "premises".
Cloon: That will be a toon please...
October 16, 2010
Cloon: I gots a juicy one for you Audience. I gets a call in the middle of the night from Mr. L... from you know...the clink. He decides to call me with his one and only phone call. Of course I'z flattered and really can't blame the guy because I has all these connections and all. Anyway, it turns out that Mr. L and "The Baby" got arrested for causing a ruckus with their protest on the Parliament Grounds. I guess the music from their Elvis concert was too loud and they was charged with disturbing the peace. So I sends one of my cronies from the good ol' days, Mr. X, to bail him out. We'z lucky that the canine on duty was an agreeable fellow and that for a ham bone and a C-note (from my printing press of course) he was able to release Mr. L and agree to house arrest for 1 month. Let's give a call to Von Ice Enterprises and see how Mr. L is coping, shall we?
Cloon in a fake British accent: Yes, hello this is Scotland Yard. We're verifying the whereabouts of one Malhaven Leopold Von Ice. May we speak with the ol' boy?
Miss Stormy Weathers: Uh, I'm afraid he's indisposed. Care to leave a message?
Cloon: I'm afraid this is official business and we must confirm that he is indeed on the property at this address. Put him on "the blower" at once.
Miss Stormy Weathers: All right, all right. Don't get your "knickers" in a knot. I'll get the "hound" for ya.
Mr. L: Hello?
Cloon: Good day. Is this indeed Malhaven Leopold Von Ice?
Mr. L: Affirmative.
Cloon: Ooh, you're in a lot of trouble ol' boy aren't you?
Mr. L: Roger that.
Cloon: No chasing squirrels or rabbits for the next month I'm afraid.
Mr. L: Is this really Scotland Yard? I'm a big fan of yours. Can I have some detective tips for my business?
Cloon: Just messin' with ya ol' boy, it's me Cloon. Ha ha theese one was a good one! How's the house arrest going?
Mr. L: It's not that shabby. I'm a fan of my "house". It's pretty comfy with all the blankies and I have a view into the yard for squirrel sightings.
Cloon: Is Miss Stormy Weathers providing you with some coping tips being that she's familiar with house arrest ?
Mr. L: She is indeed. She will be spending the month with me in the "house" (see photo above) and preparing me for the psychological effects at each stage of the process. She then plans to write a book about the experience and go on the talk show circuit promoting it. She's a bit of a fame ho...
Cloon: A lady after my own heart. Why wasn't "The Baby" with you in custody last night?
Mr. L: Uh, he fled the scene when the authorities arrived and is currently "on the lam".
Cloon: Well there you have it folks. Moral of the story is: impersonating Elvis on Government turf can be risky. Best to stick to your Human's basement and of course karaoke lounges.
October 14, 2010
You licked me a lot,
I was very clean.
And when I was mean
You cleaned my clock.
I knows I was a baby
But you was always a Lady
And let me have center stage
For my crazy ways.
You was always ZEN
I give you a ten out of ten
For your loving ways.
And I was constantly amazed
By your organizational skills
Taking my orders,
Supervising the "Elves"
And dusting the shelves.
In Heaven I hope you has lots of tuna
To hide under.
I knows you must be running
Your Pink Nose Society
With all the pink noses above
And with your pal "TIM"
Who recently crossed the rainbow bridge.
Is your fridge
You better go catch it...
We miss you terribly still
Our Human and I
We can't believe that a year's
AUDIENCE PLEASE JOIN US IN RAISING A MINI MUG OF ALE TO THE ONE & ONLY "GIRLFRIEND".
BE WELL OUR SWEET INKA...
October 11, 2010
"The Baby": Thank you. Thank you very much.
Cloon: So, let's get this straight...The two of you have been staging a protest at the Government Headquarters on Parliament Hill.
Mr. L: Affirmative.
Cloon: Is this part of the strategy of trying to get the visas for my Zoo approved?
"The Baby": Exactamundo. The bribes didn't work. It turns out this ain't ME-HI-CO, Muchacho.
Cloon: Did you try to upsell with tequila, plastic surgery connections or free Elvis voice-coaching lessons?
Mr. L: Yes, we pulled out all the stops in the "bribe" department, but it was a no go, leading us to resort to different methods of conduct, hence staging a protest.
Cloon: Do you need me to send for my cousin from Old Country, "The Babushka Cat Hot Dog Vendor" to sell some hot dogs and sauerkraut on the protest lines?
"The Baby": There's a lack of "premises" here, aka porta-potties, so it's not a good idea. Besides the masses have been satisfied with our Elvis impersonation performances...We're developing quite a good fan base in Ottawa.
Cloon: Excellent, but back to the matter at hand. What is the biggest obstacle to the visas being approved for my Australia Zoo in Canada?
"The Baby": The immigration officials say that the results on the official language proficiency test are not high enough for all the visa applicants.
Cloon: I'z a bit confused. I was under the impression that Strine is similar enough to English for the animals to get a passing grade on their language tests.
"The Baby": They need improvement on their French marks for the visas to be approved.
Cloon: I'll send Pierre Du Port in cargo ASAP to 'Stralia to tutor the animals in French. I needs a soft opening on my Zoo in the New Year. Thanks Boys. Keep up the good work on the protest just in case it works in the meantime.
"The Baby": Thank you. Thank you very much. Oops gotta go, Mr. L just had a "squirrel sighting" on the lawns of Parliament and we are about to perform another Elvis concert for the masses. Adios Amigo.
Cloon: Hasta luego, Muchacho!
October 4, 2010
Cloon: Hello there Audience. We gots an exciting event going on at Headquarters. It's the final module of the "Office Management" Bootcamp: "Using the easy bake oven". The kitchen of Headquarters is abuzz with excitement as two of our Bootcamp trainees Pierre Du Port and "Ducky" have been busy at work in the kitchen all day. It appears that the Cockatoo from Australia is sitting theese module out...here with the update is the Secretary of Clooney Credit Canada and the official Bootcamp Leader.
Neytiri: Yes, Cloon. As it turns out our liability insurance at Headquarters does not cover the potential hazards of mixing "feathers" with electrical appliances. Thus, the Cockatoo from Australia was given a pass on this module leaving Pierre Du Port competing against "Ducky" in the bake-off.
Cloon: Understandable. Now can you bring the Audience up to snuff with what is going on in the Bootcamp?
Neytiri: My trainees are about to graduate from the "Office Management" component of the Bootcamp and must compete in an Easy Bake Oven Bake-Off. I spent the morning doing a seminar on the ins and outs of the easy bake oven: demonstrating how to plug the apparatus in, using the various knobs and settings, adjusting the temperature correctly, safety procedures during use, testing the food to ensure it is fully cooked and finally, cleaning the unit after its use. For their final exam, I have given them the creative freedom to choose their own type of pie to make and then bake using the oven.
Cloon: And I guess that's where I come in... I'z the official judge of the contest and will assign the passing grade to each of the trainees and declare the winner of the bake-off.
Neytiri: That's correct. Now there is one interesting twist in the contest. Each of the trainees has used their own "secret ingredient" in their pie, which you alone must identify and then judge the overall synergy and balance with the rest of the ingredients.
Cloon: Excellent, most excellent! I will grade theese pies according to taste for a total of 25 points, creativity for a total of 15 points and overall impression for a total of 10 points. Then I will assign the trainees a grade out of 50 possible points. The straws have been drawn for tasting order and Pierre shall present his pie first. Go ahead Pierre...Rock my easy bake...
Pierre: Bonjour Cloon! Today you will be tasting a Tourtiere, a French Canadian meat pie from Quebec. Bon Appetit!
Cloon: Mmm, this is quite tasty, I has to give you a full 25 points for flavor. And I do believe that I detect the "secret ingredient" to be num-nums... which is very creative on your part Pierre, so I has to give you a full 15 points for creativity. My overall impression is that I am very impressed, therefore I has to give you a full 10 points in theese category. Pierre has just earned himself a perfect score of 50 out of 50 for his num-nums meat pie! Now, onto the next one: "Ducky"...Rock my easy bake...
"Ducky": Quack, quack, quack...
Cloon: Excuse me, do we have a translator in the Audience? Does anyone speak "Stuffed Duck"?
"Ducky": Just messin' with ya Cloon! Today you will be tasting an "elegant" red cherry pie. Enjoy!
Cloon: Hmm, theese one tastes very, very interesting...I can't quite put my paw on the "secret ingredient"...I needs to have another piece...
(The Audience gasps in astonishment as Cloon starts rolling around on the floor...)
Cloon: (Getting his composure back) Brilliant! I believe that the "secret ingredient" is catnip so "Ducky" gets a full 15 points for creativity! I'm very impressed with his "secret ingredient" so he gets a full 10 points for overall impression. I must say I feel a bit "under the influence" so I will be awarding a full 25 points for taste. "Ducky" has just earned himself a perfect score of 50 out of 50 for his cherry catnip pie!
It's official...I declare a tie in the easy bake oven bake-off. Both trainees, Pierre Du Port and "Ducky" have been granted a perfect passing grade of 50/50 for theese module and will be awarded a certificate in "Office Management".
(Having a bit of the "munchies", Cloon saunters off in search of more num-nums pie...)