May 30, 2009

BLESS OUR HOME WITH BIRDIES, FRIENDS AND HAPPINESS

Hello my fine little Budgies! I apologize for my absence from the Blog this past week. I have been in the depths of my Laboratory conducting very important research. Audience you may remember that we were planning to adopt a Yak from Tibet with the proceeds from our garage sale. I suffered a big disappointment when I found out that the Yak would not be able to come live with us at Clooney Credit Canada. Instead we would have our name displayed on a plaque for our sponsorship of the Yak. Immediately, I started conducting my research. I have compiled data, charted it, graphed it, applied algorithms etc. etc. "Girlfriend" then typed up a formal report and made a PowerPoint presentation for our "Human" on... Budgies... That's right folks, I have money saved in the Num-Num Fund to purchase a Budgie but I need my "Human's" consent. Theese Budgie costs $9.95. I need some extra entertainment and stimulation so I says to myself that theese Budgie would be the perfect solution. I plan to teach theese Budgie to talk and say things like "Num-Nums" and "Clooney Credit Canada". I plan on adopting a blue one as I loves blue birdies and I hear theese ones are the most intelligent of the Budgies. I have purchased the sign in the above photo in preparation. It is in the spirit of "if you build it, they will come".

I would like your support Audience for adopting theese Budgie. Alls I needs you to do is to sign the petition that "Girlfriend" has circulated on the interwebs. I plan on presenting the signatures of support for adopting the Budgie to my "Human" as extra bargaining power. Wish me luck folks. I'll keep you posted...

May 23, 2009


CLOON ATTEMPTS
TO INFILTRATE
THE PINK NOSE
SOCIETY
"APPLICATION
REJECTED"
LEAKED ON THE INTERWEBS IS CLOON'S FAKE CURRICULUM VITAE:
Name: Vladimir "The Bomb" Dostoevsky


Occupation: Poet/Environmentalist
Profile: A Feline Activist Concerned For The Future Generations of Birdies
Work History: Mainly Capitalist Ventures (I'd appreciate if you don't hold theese one against me)
Volunteer Experience: Pet-sitting for owners of fish and birds, educating felines at local humane societies about the importance of Num-Nums and capitalist ventures
Special Skills: Staring, high-pitched vocals, Human Mind Control, printing my own money
Interests: Beat poetry, tree-hugging, capitalist ventures, Num-Nums, bird conservation
Board Position Applying For: TREASURER

May 16, 2009



PRIVATE EYE

VON ICE

ACCEPTS

"DREAM JOB"

AND DONS DISGUISE

FOR COVERT

OPERATIONS

It's a great day at Von Ice Enterprises as "Private Eye" is offered the dream job of a lifetime to supervise the massive relocation of pocket gophers. We have him joining Cloon via webcam for this breaking interview.

Cloon: Way to go, my boy! Congrats!

Private Eye: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Cloon: Are you planning to lure the gophers in with an Elvis impersonation?

Private Eye: Exactamundo. Well that and some really luscious vegetation.

Cloon: How did you find this job?

Private Eye: Your Secretary found it on the interwebs and emailed me immediately.

Cloon: So why the disguise?

Private Eye: Well, this is a very covert operation. The pocket gophers are very clever and are constantly out-maneuvering the Humans. So, I need to go in undercover and observe and of course secure the perimeter before making any moves.

Cloon: Where are you relocating them to?

Private Eye: The backyard of Von Ice Enterprises. Then I'll have constant stimulation and action between squirrel sightings and a new business to boot! I'm going to start a soil aeration business for gardens and lawncare with the gophers as my employees.

Cloon: I couldn't have done it better myself! Now, one thing. Can you bring them over to my Headquarters first? I need the gophers to excavate a complex network of tunnels underneath Clooney Credit Canada so I can come and go without the attention of the Paparazzi.

Private Eye: On one condition. You let me borrow the Mobile Waxing Unit and Ice Cream Truck to relocate the gophers.

Cloon: Ok, but you'll have to take extreme precautions to make sure the gophers don't get dirt anywhere as "Girlfriend" is very particular about her mobile spa.

Private Eye: Deal.

Cloon: It's a pleasure doing business with you and again, Congratulations!

CLOON GETS BUSY WITH HIS BLUEPRINTS FOR THE COMPLEX TUNNEL NETWORK AND PRIVATE EYE TAKES ONE LAST LOOK IN THE MIRROR TO ADJUST HIS DISGUISE BEFORE HEADING OUT FOR THE COVERT OPERATIONS...

May 13, 2009



PROFESSOR DR. CLOON

PRESENTS WEEKEND

SEMINAR ON

SCANNING FOR SCAMS...

(Note: Dress Code is Argyle)

Hello my fine little pupils. I decided to give y'all a little sneak peek into my seminar I will be presenting this weekend. It involves the interwebs and is entitled "Scanning for Scams". The cost for the seminar is $99 which, if you are feline, includes a luncheon with num-nums and catnip brownies. If you are a Human, "Girlfriend" will be making you tuna salad on a toasted onion bun (done in the easy-bake oven of course). We will begin at 10 AM sharp on Saturday and finish up around 4 PM. The seminar will take place at Headquarters and I will be sitting in front of the PC screen with my signature stare demonstrating how to effectively scan the interwebs for scams. "Girlfriend" will be operating the PowerPoint presentation which will review key points. Each participant will have the opportunity to take the "hot seat" in front of the PC and I will be observing them for proper technique and coaching them along. At the end, there will be a question period for participants. You will leave with a certificate of completion and be able to list this seminar on your curriculum vitae. Please be aware that this is an upscale event and a dress code is in effect. Those not wearing "Argyle" will be turned away (see above photo for dress code attire).

OUR PHONE LINES ARE NOW OPEN TO RESERVE A SPACE IN THIS SEMINAR. BOOK NOW TO AVOID DISAPPOINTMENT. THEESE ONE SELLS OUT FAST.

May 11, 2009



INCOMING CALL TO

1-800-WAX-JOBS

EARLIER TODAY

(RECORDED FOR

QUALITY ASSURANCE)

"Girlfriend": Mobile Waxing Unit and Pimp My Suitcase hotline, this is "Girlfriend" speaking, how may I help you?

Caller: Yes, hello there. I am a feline who suffers from hairy paws and I saw an infomercial on your services. I have a wedding to attend and I must have my paws waxed beforehand.

"Girlfriend": Excellent. Now, I must complete a mini-questionnaire with you before I can book an appointment. Do I have your consent?

Caller: Sure, you may proceed.

"Girlfriend": Are you a Maine Coon?

Caller: Hmm. Why must you know my breed?

"Girlfriend": I assure you it's for statistical purposes only.

Caller: Well, alrighty then. Yes, I am a Maine Coon.

"Girlfriend": Do you have any allergies to indoor plants or catnip?

Caller: Uh, no. No, I don't.

"Girlfriend": Excellent. Do you like ice cream sandwiches?

Caller: Yes, that's why I called in. I'd like to take advantage of the spring special.

"Girlfriend": Excellent. Is the wedding you are planning to attend out of town?

Caller: Yes it is.

"Girlfriend": Can I interest you in adding mags to your suitcase and having it bedazzled? You'll be the talk of the wedding.

Caller: No, I'm just interested in the wax job.

"Girlfriend": No problem. Let me take a look at my appointment book... Ok. We are currently booking into June and I have June 8 available at 2 PM.

Caller: No, no, no. My wedding is this weekend. So I must have the waxing completed by Friday, May 15.

"Girlfriend": I'm sorry Sir. That's simply not possible. We are booked solid until June 8.

Caller: I want to talk to your Supervisor. This is unacceptable. I want something done about this.

"Girlfriend": Ok, Sir. Let me transfer you to a Level 2.

("GIRLFRIEND PUTS THE CALLER ON HOLD AND GETS CLOON. MEANWHILE CLOON HAS BEEN MONITORING THE CALL FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE...)

Cloon: Yes, Hello Sir. This is the Level 2. I understand there is a bit of a situation here.

Caller: Yes, indeed. First of all, I have been hitting redial on my phone for 2 days because your phones lines have been busy. Then, when I finally get through, that lady can't help me.

Cloon: Are you sure you don't have us confused with Revenue Canada?

Caller: No. Clearly not. Look. I have a wedding to attend this weekend. I need my paws waxed. I need them waxed this week. I want the spring special with the ice cream sandwich. End of story.

Cloon: Would you be willing to sign a 10 year lease on a Clooneymobile?

Caller: Would you get me in this week then?

Cloon: Indeed, we would.

Caller: You drive a hard bargain. But, OK, I'm desperate.

Cloon: Excellent. Ok, we will squeeze you in at 4 AM Thursday, May 14. Meet us curbside and we'll get the business done. I'm going to put "Girlfriend" on to get your address. Is there anything else we can help you with today?

Caller: No. Just make sure you don't forget the ice cream sandwich.

Cloon: Don't worry Sir. It will all go smoothly from here on in...

CLOON EXITS THE SCENE TO DRAW UP THE LEASE PAPERS FOR THE CLOONEYMOBILE...

May 10, 2009



PINK NOSE SOCIETY: MEETINGS HELD SUNDAY EVENINGS AT 7 PM
Good Day Everyone. This is "Girlfriend" speaking with an important public service announcement. I have created a Society and club called the Pink Nose Society (PNS). The criteria is:
1) You must have a pink nose.
2) You must be feline.
So far, we only have 2 members: me and T.I.M. (from Von Ice Enterprises). Please submit your curriculum vitae with jpeg photograph proving above 2 criterias to clooneycreditcanada@gmail.com if you wish to join this most prestigious Society. I am the President of the Society and T.I.M. is the Secretary (because he has good paws to take minutes of our meetings and I need a break from the Secretary position because I fulfill that role at Clooney Credit Canada). However, all other positions of the Board are currently open like Treasurer for example. Cloon really wanted to be Treasurer but he can't because he is not allowed in the Society because he does not have a pink nose. In fact, he must stay in another part of Headquarters when the meetings take place because of their secret nature. For now, we will meet at Headquarters but may look for another venue in the future depending on the size of our membership. If you know of any good coffee houses or spa-like settings that have meeting space available you can also submit that with your application package. What are the advantages of joining the Pink Nose Society you may ask? Well, let me itemize them for you:
1) It is prestigious (first of its kind).
2) It has some exclusivity to it (not all felines have pink noses).
3) We serve num-nums on fine china plates at each meeting.
4) We plan to be famous.
5) We plan to save the world (one pink nose at a time).
6) We plan to fundraise and save money to go on bird watching trips all over the globe.
7) You get a fancy laminated membership card with your photograph.
Do consider joining. You won't be disappointed.
THIS EVENING'S TOPIC: PINK NOSES IN POLITICS

May 7, 2009



CLOON'S FAMOUS BROWNIES

WIN SPOT

ON FOOD NETWORK'S

ULTIMATE RECIPE

SHOWDOWN

Hello my fine little friends. How many in the Audience love brownies? I see all hands are raised. This is very good indeed as you are all in for a special treat. I shall reveal my famous brownie recipe to y'all and "Girlfriend" will hand out a freshly baked brownie to each in-studio Audience member. So let's get started, shall we? For the first time, I am revealing a photograph of my easy-bake oven. Theese one is where I experiment with many recipes at all hours of the night. Now I happen to use Betty Crocker Brownie mix as they are Canada's #1 Selling Brownie Mix Brand and I am susceptible to advertising and marketing. Theese one also has the frosting included in the package. You may also see a container of catnip in the photo. Theese one is my secret ingredient. I regret to inform you that I cannot disclose the brand as it is a secret. But I will say that theese one is organic, grown on a farm and is very potent. Next you will need water, vegetable oil and 1 egg. Here goes....

1) Heat easy-bake oven to 350 Degrees F. (Please use the interwebs for a conversion, if you happen to go by Celsius.) Grease a little pan that will fit easy-bake oven.

2) Stir brownie mix, 1/3 cup water, 1/4 cup vegetable oil, 1 egg, and 1/3 cup catnip in a bowl until well blended. Then put in pan.

3) Bake approximately 35-38 minutes in easy-bake oven. (Now, theese one is important Audience. Takes a toothpick and stick it into the brownies to test it. If it comes out clean, then theese ones are done.)

4) Knead the frosting package for 10 seconds. That's right felines, you heard me. We loves to knead things, don't we. ("Girlfriend" is the expert in theese category so she does theese part. She gets a bit carried away and sometimes goes way over 10 seconds. But don't worry Audience she wiped her paws before she started.)

5) After brownies have cooled, squeeze out frosting from package and spread over brownies.

And voila! "Girlfriend" is making her way around with her little cart and the brownies. In about 10 minutes from now, the Audience members will have incredible energy, start rolling around and gets a bit crazy. Theese is from the catnip. Don't panic, just enjoy the process. Now you gets to see first hand what all the fuss is about with us felines and our catnip.

Did I mention that theese recipe gots me a spot on TV? Yes, that's right. I competed in the dessert category of the Food Network's Ultimate Recipe Showdown. I lost out to a New York Cheesecake by 1 point. (Alot of people like theese ones.)

(Meanwhile the Audience gets a bit restless and Cloon pounds his little paw for "order in the court"...)


GARAGE SALE AT CLOONEY
CREDIT CANADA
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL
FELINES: PROCEEDS
GO TO THE
NUM-NUM FUND
AND TO
ADOPT A YAK


Hello there everyone. I apologize to my loyal blog followers for the "irregularities". Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more say no more, know what I mean? Well I gots a good excuse theese time as the sign in the above photo shows I'z been busy with a Garage Sale. "Girlfriend" has tallied up the proceeds and it's official: We'z made $249.00. Theese is an all-time record for us Felines! We'z besides ourselves with excitement! Now we can adopt the Yak from Tibet. Theese one costs $99. Theese leaves $150 for the Num-Num Fund. $150 divided by $44 =3.41. Now pay attention Audience...Theese means we can buy 3.41 cases of Num-Nums. Isn't that marvelous! For the first 4 days of the Garage Sale, customers were only allowed to view the items. So, we had 20 customers per day for each of the first 4 days. Each one of theese ones used the "premises" which costed a toon. We made $160.00 from theese alone. On the last day of the sale, customers were now allowed to buy the items.



Now let me give you a mini-breakdown of some of our important garage sale items. Let's refer to the above photo as Exhibit A, shall we? On the left side of Exhibit A (by "Girlfriend") is our highest ticket item. Theese one is a Princess Leia doll from Star Wars. Theese one is a collector's item which we priced at $15.00. However, a very interesting phenomenon occurred...Because theese one is a collector's item, a bidding war occurred. In the end, we got $50 for Princess Leia. Next in price was a tube of Hairball Gel for $9.99. (Theese one is salmon flavored and I don't likes the smell. My favorite "remedy" has tuna, chicken and maple flavor with some added catnip. Who can resist that?) Then we sold 5 of "Girlfriend's" lucky white whiskers for $5 a piece. (Remember, theese ones will increase in value as they are about to be displayed at the Smithsonian.) My furball sold for $2 (accompanied by a free autograph). The kermit the frog finger puppet sold for $1. And last but not least, the chewed-up lion's head (see tiny black object on miniature table) sold for $2. (I had purchased theese little lion figurine with money from my Num-Num Fund. I gave it to Von Ice Enterprises as a Christmas gift and Mr. L ate it one day. So, I reclaimed it and decided to put it on sale. A concerned feline purchased it for some kind of travelling exhibit on "Dogs Gone Wild". You may also recognize a "mousie" in the photo. Folks, I assure you that it was just used for display purposes only, as "Girlfriend" was very upset that I attempted to sell her mousie and refused to handle the cash transactions of the garage sale if I proceeded to sell it.

There you have it Audience. Keep on the lookout for future garage sales of ours. We puts up ads in the 7-Elevens...