March 25, 2009


CLOON HEADS TO ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO FOR "THE BABY'S" INTERVENTION.
Hello my yummy little enchiladas, how are you all today? "Girlfriend" has collected my important possessions for my trip to Albuquerque (see top photo).
#1 Num-Nums
#2 BlackBerry
#3 Harley Davidson Motorcycle Cap
#4 Briefcase
My dear loyal blog followers, I will be away until April 3, 2009. Please tune in then for all the exciting adventures of me and "The Baby" in New Mexico.
We will be riding his Hog back to Canada. Wish me luck in my quest, let's hope for the best folks. Meanwhile back at Headquarters, "Girlfriend" has stepped into the position of Acting CEO and will supervise the Assembly Line Elves in their production of the Clooneymobile.
**Please feel free to invest in a Clooneymobile in my absence or donate to the Num-Num Fund.
AGAIN, TUNE IN APRIL 3, 2009 FOR THE EXCITING ADVENTURES OF CLOON AND "THE BABY". Until then, hasta luego muchachos!

March 23, 2009



"DOG TOYS GONE WILD"

"THE BABY" JOINS RENEGADE BIKER GANG...

After partying it up in Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break, "The Baby" joins up with a Biker Gang and heads towards Chicago, the start of the Historic Route 66. "The Baby" borrows the cellphone of an unsuspecting Good Samaritan and places a call to the Headquarters of Clooney Credit Canada:

"Girlfriend": Clooney Credit Canada.

"The Baby": Yes, hello. Is your refrigerator running?

"Girlfriend": (Appearing very concerned) Well, yes, I believe it is.

"The Baby": Well, you better go catch it! Ha, ha, Cloon taught me that one. I signed up for his Seminar on Prank Calls before I left the country. I need to speak with the head honcho.

"Girlfriend": Uh, he's indisposed.

"The Baby": Say to him "Biker Gang" and "The Baby" in the same sentence and I'm sure he'll make himself available.

"Girlfriend": Oh dear. OK, excuse me for a moment.

(HOLDING ADVERTISEMENT: DOES THE STOCK MARKET HAVE YOU MIXED UP? INVEST INSTEAD IN THE CLOONEYMOBILE...Loops over and over and over...)

Cloon: "Baby" what's this about you and a biker gang?

"The Baby": (Sounding robotic) I'd like to invest in a Clooneymobile....

Cloon: Excellent. Bird or squirrel motif?

"The Baby": (Snapping out of his hypnotic state) Wait a minute...That's not why I called. You almost had me there Cloon. Cloon I called to say my goodbyes, I've hooked up with a renegade biker gang and I'll be travelling the USA for an indeterminate amount of time.

Cloon: Where are you headed right now?

"The Baby": I'm on my Hog and I'm goin' to get my kicks on Route 66.

Cloon: What is your destination?

"The Baby": Albuquerque for some green chile enchiladas.

Cloon: "Baby", listen very carefully to what I'm about to say... You need an intervention. I promised Mr. L that I would go on a quest to find you and bring you back to him. When you get to Albuquerque, stay there and do not move. I'm coming to get you. "Girlfriend" is making my travel arrangements as we speak. Ride your Hog to the Albuquerque International Sunport at 11:13PM Thursday and pick me up from the Air Canada Arrivals. "Baby" do not disappoint me or "cement shoes" will be involved (Audience, I will give you a tutorial on "cement shoes" at a later date).

"The Baby": OK, Cloon. I'll be there to get you and take you for a spin on my Hog, but there's no guarantees I'll return with you.

Cloon: We'll see about that...

TO BE CONTINUED...

**SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: CLOON'S GRANDMA (MRS. G.) HAS GIVEN THE HIGHEST DONATION TO THE NUM-NUM FUND AND HAS HAD THE PRIVILEGE OF NAMING MR. L'S BABY. THE OFFICIAL NAME IS "BENNY". WHEN THEY RETURN FROM ALBUQUERQUE THERE WILL BE A SPECIAL "SWEARING IN OF NAME CHANGE" CEREMONY AT HEADQUARTERS**

March 20, 2009


CLOON TAKES HIS BRIEFCASE ON EXCURSION TO SHOPPING MALL
Hello Everyone. T.G.I.S. (Thank God It's Spring!!!) It's a Great Day for Canada Everyone...
My favorite little person, Miss E. has a Birthday today. I have composed a song which I am about to perform. The Elves are singing backup for me. Here we go...
Ahem, testing, 1, 2, 3, 4... For Miss E...
"Happy Birthday to you
You are really cool
You're a great creative designer
And you'll make a good ballerina too...
And many more"... (Audience, Cloon has the "jazz hands" going once again)
So, I goes on an excursion yesterday. I takes my briefcase with me to shop for a Birthday present. I goes to a downtown shopping mall. I has the paparazzi following me. It's a big media circus. I ends up doing some PR and signing autographs. On my way through the mall, I sees my Associate's business, "T.I.M." Hortons. There's a very long line at theese one. He must put "special" ingredients in the coffee. I has to figure out how to gets a long line outside Headquarters, for the Clooneymobile. Finally, I finds the perfect present. A Kinder Surprise Egg. It fits in my briefcase for easy transport. Now, theese ones are good ones because the chocolate is so very delicious and it has a surprise inside that requires assembly. Sometimes theese ones are entertaining. So I takes the Egg back to Headquarters and "Girlfriend" inspects it and gives her approval. (She was very concerned that I went on the excursion without my driver and bodyguard.)
DONATE TO THE NUM-NUM FUND IN THE NEXT 48 HRS AND MY ASSOCIATE "T.I.M." WILL BREW YOU A "SPECIAL" COFFEES.

March 19, 2009



ABRACADABRA!!!
BLACKBERRY APPEARS
IN CLOON'S MAGIC
CAT TUNNEL...
Just joshing with you Audience! Seriously. St. Paddy's Day Festivities came to an abrupt halt yesterday morn when the "Intercom Buzzer" sent "Girlfriend" and all the Assembly Line Elves scurrying for cover under the "blankie". So, I says to myself, who be interruptin' our festivities at so early an hour? It was FedEx delivering a little package for Mr. George Clooney, CEO Clooney Credit Canada. I was very excited for theese one! I gets package and it is from one of my very loyal blog followers "Mr. T". I thinks to myself, what could this be? Too small for num-nums. I shakes the box a little bit, still a mystery. I calls "Girlfriend" out from under "blankie" to assist me in opening package and record it in inventory. And Audience, when I opens the package, there is my very own BlackBerry! Mr. T supports the "cause" (num-nums) and knows that as a busy CEO, I needs a PDA devices to conduct my affairs. My heartfelt thanks to Mr. T! (Mr. T please contact us for a free Zen session with Ms. Tortorovsky, as a token of our appreciation) "Girlfriend" is currently loading all my contacts into the BlackBerry and setting up my calendars. Then she will give me a tutorial in using the BlackBerry. Theese one is a good one, it's all black, sleek and shiny. We loves it!
NOW FOR THE PROMISED "HAIR OF THE DOG"...
As we were all "hurting units" here at Headquarters for imbibing copious mini mugs of green ale, we needed the "hair of the dog" to feel better and get on with business. I'm sure some of the Audience members are in the same position as St. Paddy's is a popular festivity. So, I am currently demonstrating in the kitchen studio the recipe for "hair of the dog":
2 parts Green Ale
1 part Num-Nums
1 part Vanilla Yogurt (we likes Danone Creamy)
1 tiny pinch of dog hair (makes sure it's TINY)
THEN PUT THEESE ONES IN MAGIC BULLET AND BLEND. THEN PUT CONCOCTION IN SHOOTER GLASS AND "DOWN THE HATCH"...
In 1 hour you will be back in business, trust me on theese one...

March 18, 2009

ST. PADDY'S FESTIVITIES CONTINUE ON TO THE TOP O' THE MORN.

A COPIOUS AMOUNT OF MINI MUGS OF GREEN ALE HAVE BEEN CONSUMED. CLOON AND "GIRLFRIEND" TAKE A QUICK CAT NAP WHILE THE ASSEMBLY LINE ELVES CONTINUE TO JIG. TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR HAIR OF THE DOG...

March 17, 2009



HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY!!

JOIN IN THE CELEBRATION
OF
"GIRLFRIEND'S"
10th BIRTHDAY AND TWO YEAR ANNIVERSARY AS SECRETARY OF CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA!

Hello my fine little Leprechauns, top o' the evening to ya. How many of you are wearing green today? Please raise your hands. "Girlfriend" has taken note of those NOT wearing green and I will personally be coming around to pinch theese ones. It's a very exciting day at Headquarters! The Elves are brewing green ale and doing Irish jigs. I have a very special interview lined up here. So sit back, sip your green beer and enjoy...

Cloon: Happy Birthday "Girlfriend"! I can't believe you're 10 years old! You look so young for your age.

"G": Thank you Cloon. The secret to my youthful appearance is num-nums.

Cloon: That's wonderful news! Thanks for sharing that with us. So, you're an Irish Girl, huh?

"G": Yes, my Birthday just happens to fall on St. Patrick's Day.

Cloon: Do you drink green ale each year?

"G": I do partake of a mini mug of green ale to celebrate.

Cloon: Congratulations on your second year Anniversary as Secretary of Clooney Credit Canada! (Please note above photo where, earlier today, "Girlfriend" was awarded with two mousies signifying her two years of service.)

"G": I appreciate being your right hand feline Cloon.

Cloon: Now, you also have a very special role in our Human's life. Can you tell us about that?

"G": Yes, I'm her Daemon.

Cloon: Now, what is theese one?

"G": Well, the movie "The Golden Compass", with Nicole Kidman, is a movie about Humans and their animal Daemons. Daemons are like guardian angels, they are part of their Human's soul and they represent their personality. They have an intimate bond with their Human and they must remain within a small distance of them.

Cloon: Wow, you're very intelligent. How do you know all this?

"G": Wikipedias.

Cloon: Yes, we like our interwebs especially our Wikipedias. So, basically the Coles Notes of this is that you and our Human are really good buds, you have a psychic connection and you're kind of a little protector of hers.

"G": Sure thing.

Cloon: How did you meet her anyway?

"G": I put up an ad in a 7-Eleven looking for a home.

Cloon: Do you think I could sell the Clooneymobile that way?

"G": It's worth a try. I'll put up some ads for you tomorrow.

Cloon: "Girlfriend", you're such a loyal employee and from what I observe, a loyal Daemon. Luck o' the Irish to you "Girlfriend"!

AUDIENCE, RAISE YOUR MINI MUGS OF GREEN ALE TO "GIRLFRIEND"! (AND IF YOU DO HAPPEN TO SEE MY AD IN A 7-ELEVEN, INVEST IN A CLOONEYMOBILE... )

March 15, 2009


**IMPORTANT
ANNOUNCEMENT**

LIVE PRESS CONFERENCE IN PROGRESS
AT HEADQUARTERS OF
CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA



Cloon: I'd like to thank the members of the Audience, the Press, the Professionals who have been of service on the picket line, and all the Assembly Line Elves for agreeing to be part of a public mediation process today at Headquarters. I shall turn the mike over to "The Negotiator" who will lead us in this process. And by the way everyone, I plead the Fifth...




"T.N": Yo, yo, Dawgs. I will present the findings of "Private Eye" Von Ice, the observations of the Babushka Cat Hot Dog Vendor and the grievances of the Assembly Line Elves. Then I will negotiate a resolution for all parties involved and swear in new contractual agreements.



First, some footage of the picket line filmed by Von Ice. I will do a play-by-play of the Mockumentary for the benefit of those concerned Audience members not present in-studio:



Von Ice has some standard shots of the perimeter of the strike. Now he is seen filming the Elves up close and personal. We hear some sniffing going on. There is some verbal protest from the Elves towards the "Private Eye". He then films some of the picket signs, which I cannot discuss as we have a family rating here. Then he goes over to the Hot Dog Cart and spends quite a bit of time filming himself licking his chops. The Babushka Cat is blowing him kisses, winking at him and so on and so forth... Then Von Ice does a panoramic view of the picket line and now is filming a window of an apartment high-rise... What the...It appears as though there is some "peeping tom" footage going on!... (The studio Audience gets loud and unruly... Cloon pounds his little paw for "Order in the court!")



"T.N": (Next, let's get the observations of the Babushka Cat) Ms. Babushka Cat, what can you tell us about what happened on the picket line?



B.C. I'z so happy be in Canadas. Cloon looked so, how you call it, "professionalz" in trench coats. Cloon very serious and busy, enterings informationz into, how you call it, PDA's devices. Cloon is very intelligentz! Elves very adorables! Elves loves my hot dogs. Elves buy lots of hot dogs. Elves go bathroom lots. Elves takes photo ops with my Babushka and cart. Me and Cloon makes lots of moneez. I'z takes profits and num-nums backs to Old Country. I'z in loves with "Dalmation Private Eye". I'z make, how you call it, googly eyes at him all day.



"T.N": (Now we will hear from the Assembly Line Elves) The spokeself is the one with the "familiar" face. So, Elf, what say you?



A.L.E:



"T.N": The Elf has mouthed a "silent meow". (The studio Audience gasps in astonishment. Cloon pounds his little paw, once again, for order.) What are your demands in order to continue with the production of the Clooneymobile?



A.L.E: We demand that bird-watching, naps, and num-nums become official stations of the automotive manufacturing assembly line. We also demand that each elf get a case of num-nums for a Christmas bonus. Join me elves: We want num-nums, we want num-nums...

(Pandemonium breaks out in-studio as all the elves chant "num-nums" and wave their picket signs.) All of a sudden, "Private Eye" Von Ice takes the mike and starts his Elvis impersonation:

"WELL, IT'S ONE FOR THE MONEY

TWO FOR THE SHOW

THREE TO GET READY

NOW GO, CAT GO

BUT DON'T YOU

STEP ON MY BLUE SUEDE PAWS

WELL, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING

BUT LAY OFF OF MY BLUE SUEDE PAWS"

(The Elves break into cheers and the Babushka Cat faints)

A.L.E: We also demand that Von Ice performs Elvis songs at Headquarters each Friday during lunch hour.

"T.N": Von Ice, do you agree to this?

Von Ice: Affirmative.

"T.N": Cloon you have your list of demands, what say you?

Cloon: I pledge allegiance to num-nums and will sign a new contractual agreement based on the aforementioned demands. Fire up the assembly line, the Clooneymobile is once again in production!


**All Employees of Clooney Credit Canada have been fitted with Babushkas as part of their official uniform, courtesy of Cloon's cousin from Old Country.







March 14, 2009


PART III: "THE NEGOTIATOR"
As tensions increase on the picket line, Cloon has no alternative but to call on "The Negotiator".
("The Negotiator" is briefed by Cloon on the picket line regarding the situation with the striking assembly line elves)
Cloon: That's a really nice bow tie you got there.
"T.N": Yo, yo, thanks Dawg!
Cloon: Uh, I'm a feline.
"T.N": Chill, Dawg, it's just an expresshun!
Cloon: Uh, the Yellow Pages said you were a "negotiator", you know like conflict mediator. I was expecting someone a little more professional.
"T.N": You got somethin' against rap, Dawg?
Cloon: Whatcha talkin 'bout Willis?
"T.N": Didn't cha read the fine print? I'm a "negotiator" that settles disputes through the art of "rap".
Cloon: I left my ESPN reading glasses up at Headquarters, I must have missed that part. Can you give me a sample performance?
"T.N": Sure, I'll perform a rap song by my mentor "Weird Al Yankovic":
"Baby, you should know
I am really quite a sweet guy,
When I buy you bathroom tissue,
I always get the 2-ply.
Want it, you can get it,
my dear,
I got my Costco membership card right here.
Cut your hair with scissors
and a soup bowl,
You ain't gotta pay me,
that's the way that I roll."
(Audience, "The Negotiator" has some pretty "stiff" moves to go with his rap song)
Cloon: Impressive! Can you compose a rap song about num-nums?
"T.N": Another time Dawg. I need to interview "Private Eye" Von Ice, the Babushka Cat Hot Dog Vendor, and finally all the striking Assembly Line Elves each separately to get all sides of the story.
Yo, but first I need to use the "premises"... must be that hot dawg...
YO, YO...BE SURE TO TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE EXCITING AND SURPRISING CONCLUSION!


March 13, 2009

BABUSHKA CAT SELLS HOTDOGS ON PICKET LINE



BABUSHKA CAT SELLS HOTDOGS ON PICKET LINE
I'z Cloon's cousin from Old Country. I'z gets call from Cloon real late in night. Sayz takes airplainz to Canada to setz up hotdogs stand and makes moneez from strikingz elves. Cloon (blesses heez little heart) says I'z can takes some of profitz to buys num-nums to takes back to Old Country. I'z very excitable for good opportunities like theese one. I'z not let Cloon down. I'z makes, how you call it, "attracteeve" hot dog cart and "tantalizeeng" hot dogs. Cloon says puts some specialz ingredientz in sauerkraut, makes elves go bathroom. Then he getz toons for them using "premises" at Headquarters. Cloon is excellent businezz man! I'z takes Cloon some num-nums to picketz line to keep up heez strength and staminas. I'z never seen "Dalmation Private Eye" before. Cloon says theese one, how you call it, "Von Ice" soundz like Elvis. I'z love Elvis. We listenz to Elvis in Old Country. Cloon says I'z can takes a picture with "Private Eye" for souvenir. I'z better get goingz, I'z has lots of works ahead of me.

"Yer extra specialz, I'z puts extra sauerkraut on your hot dog. You vant to buy one?"

THE SAGA CONTINUES...

March 12, 2009


**IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH**

CLOON CALLS

"PRIVATE EYE"

MALHAVEN LEOPOLD

VON ICE FROM PICKET LINE...


The conversation that follows is one that has been intercepted. "Girlfriend" is conducting surveillance of the strike, from Headquarters. What the Audience does not know is that she had wired Cloon's trenchcoat before he left the building yesterday.

Cloon: Ahem, testing, testing...

"Girlfriend": I'm getting a reading Cloon. I'm very concerned, you've been without num-nums for 24 hours, how are you holding up?

Cloon: It's very rough, however I've needed to monitor the elves. It's time to call in some extra paws. I'm dialing Von Ice Enterprises...

("Girlfriend" now eavesdrops on the conversation.)

Cloon: Ah, yes hello. Can you tell me if your refrigerator is running?

Von Ice: Affirmative.

Cloon: Well, why don't you go catch it? Just joshing with you man! It's Cloon. I need your services - private eye and cat police. How much will you charge if we double up?

Von Ice: That will be 2 ham bones and you must go on a quest to find "The Baby" and bring it back to me.

Cloon: Done, done, and done. Now let me brief you about the situation going on outside Headquarters. The assembly line elves are on strike, staging a protest, picketing Headquarters, making a big commotion, spooking Ms. Tortorovsky, demanding more num-nums and stalling the production of the first run of Clooneymobiles. It's pandemonium! What will be your action plan for investigating and policing the situation?

Von Ice: Are there any squirrels in the neighbourhood?

Cloon: For all intents and purposes, no.

Von Ice: That's very unfortunate. However, it will allow my undivided attention on the matter at hand. Therefore, I will patrol the perimeter of the strike, take some footage, and finally sniff the elves if there's lots of activity going on.

Cloon: I'm sending my driver for you. Let's get this underway.

Von Ice: (Puts the "Mission Impossible Theme" performed by Alvin and the Chipmunks on the record player, packs his equipment, and waits for his lift.)


TO BE CONTINUED...


March 11, 2009




A DAY IN THE LIFE OF THE BIGWIGS OF CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA
Hello, hello, hello everyone! Finally some decent temperatures today up here in the North. I was able to be on "birdie patrol" (see bottom photo) because the birdies were unfrozed. So, I decides to dust off my "Audubon Backyard Bird Watch" and see if I can spots some of theese ones out the window. I identified the magpie. Theese one happens to be my favorite as it looks nice and it is very loud and entertaining. I hold a black belt in bird watching as I have put in the time and the training and I take it very seriously. As I was sunning myself on birdie patrol, there was a big commotion outside Headquarters and it sent Ms. Tortorovsky "undercover" (see top photo). Since she had a busy schedule of clients today, she conducted her Zen Sessions from underneath the blankie.
**SECURITY CAMERAS OUTSIDE HEADQUARTERS HAVE IDENTIFIED THE COMMOTION AS STRIKING ASSEMBLY LINE ELVES. PICKET SIGNS ARE DEMANDING MORE NUM-NUMS IN ORDER TO COMPLETE THE PREMIERE LAUNCH OF THE CLOONEYMOBILE**
(Audience, Cloon dons his trenchcoat, takes his miniature metal briefcase and exits Headquarters. "Cloon has left the building".) Tune in for updates...

March 9, 2009



HEADQUARTERS OF CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA CLOSED TODAY FOR PRIVATE TOURS.

It was a very busy day at Headquarters as I ran back to back tours for Telecommunications employees. There is quite a bit of mystique surrounding Clooney Credit Canada, so I decided to capitalize on it and charge for tours through Headquarters. This is a very lucrative move for topping up the num-num fund. Especially if those on tour use "the premises". (Just to refresh your memory Audience, I charge a toon each time a Human uses the "loo".) So, I thinks to myself, I'll make sure "Girlfriend" serves our guests lots of "special" punch. I'm sure our guests were expecting to see the Assembly Line, have a photo op with an Elf, perhaps even catch a secret glimpse of the Clooneymobile. However, I had something more personal in mind. I circulated the guests through a number of "stations" if you will. I shall use the above photo to give you a visual representation of the tour. The first station consisted of "Girlfriend's" lucky cat whiskers (displayed on the fancy pottery). (These long, white whiskers have magical properties and are soon to be displayed at the Smithsonian Institution.) The second station had furballs which I have been collecting. (Guests also were able to cast their vote at the polling station for their favorite furball.) And finally, the third station involved a tour of the lingerie drawer (see "the red one" in photo). I borrowed some glow in the dark orange sticks from the airport to direct the flow of traffic in the hallway and a limited number of guests were allowed in at once to view the contents of the "drawer". After making their way through each station, I signed autographs for the guests and they stood around drinking "punch".

Please contact me by email if your corporation or place of business would like to have a tour. Donate to the num-num fund in the next 48 hours and I will reveal to you which furball in the photo was voted most popular.

March 8, 2009



LISTEN CLOSELY TO THEESE ONE:

OH-OH-OH-OH...

HA!

OH-OH-OH-OH...

HU!

EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING...

Good Day Everyone. Happy Spring Forward!

So, it's -30 Degrees at Headquarters today and I finds myself housebound and a bit bored. So, I takes the Yellow Pages and opens it up. I calls a Kung-Fu Master over to my house for some entertainment (and some lessons). Any "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" fans out there in the Audience? Let's have a show of karate chops... Excellent! See, that's what I'm talkin' about. This little fella in the photo braves the cold temperature and arrives to kick my badoinkadoink. First he gives me some ancient kung-fu secrets and then he puts me through the ringer of rigorous training. I learned some good moves mainly consisting of karate chops and kicks. FELINES DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! You has to have proper technique and stretching beforehand. Let's just say, I'm no Jet Li. But I gives it a shot...

I worked up quite an appetite for num-nums. So, if you donate to the num-num fund in the next 24 hrs, I'll share with you some behind the scene footage of today's kung-fu moves and secrets.

Until next time...

OH-OH-OH-OH...

THAT CAT WAS FAST AS LIGHTNING!...

March 7, 2009


IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR CANADA, EVERYBODY!

ONE OF OUR OWN, LEO VON ICE, CELEBRATES HIS BIRTHDAY!


In honor of Mr. L's 4th Birthday, I have composed a special song which I am about to perform.


Cloon: Ahem, testing, testing...Excuse me everyone...(In an English accent: "The mike's not working"...)


"Girlfriend": Here, let's just turn it on, shall we...


Cloon: Oh. Ok. Your attention please...For Mr. L:


Happy Birthday to you.

You live in a zoo.

You act like a monkey.

And you smell like one too.

And many more.... (Audience, Cloon has the "jazz hands" going)

(Audience, what Mr. L doesn't know is that "The Baby" is joining me live via an airplane phone to wish him a Happy Birthday)

Cloon: "Baby", where the heck are you?

"The Baby": I'm at a cruising altitude of 35,000 feet, heading to Fort Lauderdale for Spring Break.

Cloon: Do they have the miniature jars of jam on your flight?

"The Baby": No, they don't Cloon. They have miniature bottles of vodka, though.

Cloon: I was really hoping to add to my jam collection. Anyway, let's talk about Mr. L. Now, mysteriously enough, you appear to be in two places at once.

"The Baby": What are you getting at Cloon?

Cloon: Well, I have a photo of Mr. L's Birthday party and there is clearly an orange dog toy that is sitting with Mr. L.

"The Baby": Now this is really important Cloon. Take your time before responding. Does the orange dog toy have little horns on its head?

Cloon: Hmm, wait a second...Yes, "Baby", yes it does.

"The Baby": Impostor! I cry impostor! A "bad cuz" has infiltrated Von Ice Enterprises and has assumed my identity. Alert the FBI.

Cloon: Whoa..."Baby", this is a serious accusation. Should we call in the SWAT?

"The Baby": No, on second thought, let's keep this under wraps for now. I shall challenge the impostor to a duel when I eventually return.

Cloon: Do you have a birthday message for Mr. L, the special canine in your life?

"The Baby": (in a deepening voice) I have a little song for him, actually. "Love me tender, love me dear, Tell me you are mine, I'll be yours through all the years', Till the end of time..."

Cloon: Now, I get it. You and Mr. L are both Elvis fans.

"The Baby": Yes, that's right. When our Human leaves the house, we practise our Elvis impersonations. We're taking it to Vegas someday...

Cloon: Ahh, North America, the land of dreams...

"The Baby": I also want to say something in Mr. L's mother tongue: "Prost! Alles Gute zumGeburtstag!"

Cloon: (reaching for his mini pocket German dictionary) "Guten Appetit! das Gluckskind!"

ALL THE EMPLOYEES OF CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA WISH OUR FAVORITE CANINE LEO A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

March 6, 2009



AFTER THE FINAL ROSE...

RENOWNED LOVE EXPERT

"GIRLFRIEND" DISHES

ON THE MOST SHOCKING BACHELOR

SEASON EVER!

Cloon: So, let's launch right into this, shall we? This season I was heavily involved in "The Bachelor". For those who have been following my blog, you know that I was performing a statistical analysis of each episode, charting it, graphing it, reading the message boards and applying algorithms. Now everything is complete as the last Ellen appearances concluded today. I have in-studio with me today, "Girlfriend" a feline famous in her circle for being a love expert. She is going to discuss with me this most surprising, juicy and shocking season of "The Bachelor". Of course, we at Headquarters were not surprised or shocked with the outcome because we study the interwebs. However, it was juicy.

Cloon: "Girlfriend" you look quite serious in your photo. What gives?

G: Well Cloon, I'm "concerned', love is serious business.

Cloon: So, what is your theory about how everything went down in this season of "The Bachelor"?

G: Well, I think we can compare everything to the situation of Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. Melissa would equal Jennifer Aniston and Molly is Jason's "Angelina Jolie". My pet psychology analysis of it is that Jason first chose Melissa because he was going to go with safety and security, having been hurt in the past. However, he realized quite quickly that he requires challenge, and perhaps a little level of uncertainty. Someone to keep him on his paws, so to speak, and that happens to be Molly. So he changed his mind.

Cloon: Fascinating theory. You're quite a clever little thing aren't you?

G: Indeed, I am Cloon, indeed...

Cloon: Now, if you were in Molly's paws, would you be able to forgive the guy for not picking you the first time?

G: That depends on his "lickability" factor and the sound of his voice.

Cloon: Well said. Now, I happen to know that loyalty is also very important to you. Because we live together at Headquarters and you like to lick me, are you hurt that I'm about to become the next "Cat Bachelor"?

G: All I can say is that I'll be waiting in the wings for you, ready to groom you, if one of those fickle felines breaks your little heart Cloon.

Cloon: You're quite a stellar feline, "Girlfriend". Thanks for joining us today with your feline intuition and love expertise.

G: When do I get the tuna, you promised?

Cloon: Ha Ha "Girlfriend", you're such a kidder!

OPEN "CAT CALL" FOR THE "CAT BACHELOR". NOW ACCEPTING PICTURES AND PROFILES OF ELIGIBLE FEMALE FELINES TO MY EMAIL. REMEMBER, WE NEED A MIX OF DRAMA QUEENS AND SERIOUS TYPES. COME ON PEOPLE, PARTICIPACTION!

March 5, 2009

DEOS TEH STCOK MRAEKT HVAE YUO MXEID UP?
Invest instead in the ... Clooneymobile!

In these uncertain economic times, I, the CEO of Clooney Credit Canada offer you a wise investment alternative. As the purveyor of the World's First Clooneymobile, I have available for my public a ground floor investment opportunity. I am currently accepting a limited amount of investors for 10 year leases of the World's First Clooneymobiles, about to be hot off the press, or shall I say assembly line. The biggest question you have to ask yourself now is, do I want bird motif or squirrel motif for the interior design? Personally, I advise you to choose birds as they are more of a chick-magnet. However, if the canine rules in your household you may be coerced into the squirrels. The assembly line elves are working day and night (besides taking num-num and bird-watching breaks) to deliver the first run of Limited Edition Clooneymobiles. The expected launch date is...soon. Act now rather than face disappointment, enquire by email for the leasing and investment particulars.

Support a feline entrepreneur and small businesscat. Invest now...

March 4, 2009


BEHIND THE SCENES AT CLOONEY CREDIT CANADA... AN INTERVIEW WITH AN ASSEMBLY LINE ELF
Cloon: Thanks for agreeing to greet my public to vouch for the great working conditions at Clooney Credit Canada.
Elf:
Cloon: Audience, the Elf has performed a silent meow.
Cloon: What is your favorite thing about working at Clooney Credit Canada?
Elf: Num-nums. I'm here for num-nums. It's in the contract.
Cloon: Yes, I believe in treating my employees well. Especially those on the assembly line. You look quite cute in that little green suit, I might add.
Elf: Don't push your luck. Besides, I'm already spoken for.
Cloon: Because my elves are rotated through various stations of the automotive manufacturing assembly line, which are your favorite?
Elf: I enjoy eating, sleeping and bird-watching.
Cloon: Whatcha talkin 'bout Willis?
Elf: Uh...I mean...I enjoy welding and also the fine auto detailing of the Clooneymobile.
Cloon: Excellent. By the way, you really remind me of someone else I know, which escapes me right at the moment.
Elf: I get that all the time. I've got one of those familiar faces.
Cloon: As an employee, how do you deal with the constant pressure of keeping the secrets of Clooney Credit Canada?
Elf: Well, of course there's the professional handler that coaches me on what to say and the silent meows also come in handy. As well, if I ever break-up with my significant other I'll make sure it's on TV in front of millions of people (as per contract). Oh, sorry, I'm confusing that with "The Cat Bachelor".
Cloon: Well, I appreciate your dedication and loyalty to my business. Do you have anything you'd like to say in closing?
Elf: Throw me a couple kibbles, will ya?
DONATE TO THE NUM-NUM FUND IN THE NEXT 48 HRS AND HAVE YOUR PICTURE TAKEN WITH AN ASSEMBLY LINE ELF.

March 2, 2009


CLOON EMERGES FROM CHAMBER... TRIUMPHANT! FELINE WORLD RECORD BROKEN!
Headquarters is brimming with excitement as Cloon jumps out of the "Donut" and heads into the kitchen for num-nums. The National Feline Enquirer is on hand for the exclusive interview with Cloon (once he replenishes his strength with num-nums).
Cloon now yawns, stretches and then sambas onto the stage to face his faithful fans.
NFE: Congratulations to you George Clooney for breaking the feline world record for holding a yoga pose while staying inside a kitty condo!
Cloon: It was a most difficult feat, but I was the right feline for the job.
NFE: How did you manage to stay in the chamber for 24 hours?
Cloon: I went into a meditative state and counted cans of num-nums.
NFE: Wow, that's incredible. How many were you able to count in 24 hours?
Cloon: Exactly 86,400 cans.
NFE: At any point, were you tempted to forfeit the record attempt and leave the chamber?
Cloon: There was major birdie action today, lots of chirping going on around me. Usually, I'm glued to the windows on "birdie patrol". But instead of leaving the "Donut", I persisted and went back to counting num-nums.
NFE: Well, this is quite a story. You are a very talented and disciplined feline. What are your plans for the evening?
Cloon: My feline friend here at Headquarters is going to give me a massage with her little paws and work out all the kinks from the yoga pose and then I'm going to watch the Season Finale of "The Bachelor". The interwebs had all kinds of juicy rumors about the outcome.
NFE: Thanks for the exclusive, Cloon!
Cloon: Get the popcorn ready, here I come for "The Bachelor"...

ATTENTION EVERYONE...CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE!...CLOON ATTEMPTS TO BREAK FELINE WORLD RECORD...


I have accepted a most difficult challenge from the great street magician and endurance artist "David Blaine". I am attempting to break the feline world record for holding a yoga pose while staying inside a kitty condo, in this case my yoga chamber, which I affectionately refer to as the "Donut". I climbed into the "Donut" at exactly 8:00 PM (MST) and must remain here for 24 hrs. without num-nums. FELINES DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!! I have undergone rigorous training and detailed preparation for this event, which included desensitizing myself to claustrophobic spaces, striking yoga poses, and most importantly, gorging on num-nums beforehand, so I would not be tempted to leave the chamber. Sri Guru T.I.M. will be transmitting third eye energy to me and Ms. Tortorovsky will also send her Zen vibes to aid me in this most challenging feat.


YOUR DONATION TO THE NUM-NUM FUND WITHIN THE NEXT 24 HRS. WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED, AS I WILL NEED EXTRA NOURISHMENT WHEN I FINALLY DO EXIT THE "DONUT".


Make sure you tune into the blog tomorrow to get an update on my record-breaking attempt!